Disney’s latest cash-grab remake proves another disappointment, though packed with enough so-bad-it’s-good moments to make it through the bloated two hour runtime, according to the peals of laughter from a mostly adult cinema audience. Halle Bailey is a star, and perfectly cast as the headstrong sea siren, but the rest of this movie never manages to justify its own existence.

The Little Mermaid (1989) is seen as the start of the “Disney renaissance”, entering into a new, Broadway-inspired era of classic animated films, saving the failing studio. Alan Menken’s Oscar-winning score is reused here, including canon classics “Part of Your World”; “Under the Sea” and “Kiss the Girl”, all co-written with lyricist Howard Ashman. The new numbers co-written by Menken and Lin-Manuel Miranda are not in the same league.

Directed by Rob Marshall (Chicago; Into the Woods), the visuals are saturated with colour and blindingly lit. Everything looks smooth and pristine: there’s more dirt and texture in the original cartoon. And yet the film also appears to be trying for newfound realism, reinterpreting Flounder the fish (child star Jacob Tremblay) and Sebastian the crab (Tony-winner Daveed Diggs) as tiny and sinisterly photo-realistic.

Ursula the Sea-witch (Melissa McCarthy) has lost her wickedness in this version: her nasty lies about how “on land it’s much preferred / for ladies not to say a word” have all been cut, and McCarthy is such an entertainer, she plays it more like the Genie in Aladdin (1992). As King Triton, Javier Bardem looks truly lost. Who is this film for?

Playing across UK cinemas from 26 May 2023.